we should be together eternally

i’m usually not one to talk about my family…

The past week has been quite interesting for us. Exactly a week ago, we found out that my grandpa in the Philippines suffered a major heart attack and was intubated in the ICU. Not really knowing what his prognosis would be, my mom immediately decided to change their plane tickets that were supposed to be for the end of June. She ended up spending $4000 to get their tickets change, but everytime I talked to her, she just kept telling me that “money is something you can earn, but time…you can’t put a price on that”. She asked me if I wanted to go with them since my aunt was also going, but I decided that it would be better for them to just go ahead and use the money that I would have spent on a plane ticket to pay the hefty hospital bill. Thankfully, my grandpa is doing a little better, and they were able to bring him home yesterday. I don’t know if this means that he’ll continue to get better or if this is just a temporary calm before the storm hits again. 

Throughout this whole week, I haven’t seen my mom cry. I expected her to, but I think she knows that everyone else is looking to her for the answer so she has to stay strong. I never usually talk about her because as a kid, I used to think that she didn’t love me because she chose to leave me at home with my grandma while she went to school. As a teenager, I used think that she didn’t care about me because she didn’t give me any freedom. I couldn’t hang out with my friends whenever I wanted to, I couldn’t go wherever I wanted, and I just felt restricted. I thought that this meant she didn’t love me. I was wrong. And really, I regret it all. Now looking back on it, I get so mad at myself for being so selfish. I’m such an ungrateful child. I always chose either myself or my friends over my family. And now I know that it was wrong for me to do that. Wow, I’m a terrible person. Sometimes, I get jealous that my siblings came to this world at a time when my parents are finally old and mature enough to be parents, to provide for them, and to show them that they love them. But it’s okay, I’m sure there was a reason why this all happened. 

Now, as a young adult trying to figure out what kind of person I want to be, I see that my mom is the strongest, smartest, and kindest person I’ve ever met. She never asks for anything in return, she gives her whole heart to anything and everything she does, and she’s the one that stays strong when everyone else doesn’t know what to do anymore. We all go to her—when we’re sick, when we’ve got a problem, whenever we need anything. She’s the kind of woman that will give up everything she has for the people she loves. And I wish I realized that sooner. I wish I knew that it’s not that she didn’t love me, it’s just that the circumstances weren’t so ideal. All those arguments and fights during my teenage years were her way of protecting me from the harsh realities of this world. And she’s right, the real world sucks. It beats you, it crushes you, and it pushes you until you can’t do it anymore. No wonder she tried so hard to protect me from it. I wish I didn’t ask to grow up so quickly. *sigh*

…But at least I’ve still got some time. Better to realize this now than when it’s too late, right? 

i need to learn this.

(Source: mystandards)

…only been a few hours, and I already miss you. 

This past week was the longest time that you have spent here in Seattle. Usually, we’re lucky if you’re able to stay for four days, but we had over a week this time around, and I feel really fortunate that we were able to do that.

To be honest, I didn’t quite realize all the little things that we miss out on as a couple because we’re three thousand miles apart. It wasn’t until this past week that I saw how much those little things matter. Like when we’d wake up and make breakfast together. Or skip breakfast and just stay in bed. Or how I’d come home from class and know that you were waiting for me, and we could eat lunch together. Being at work and knowing that someone was waiting for me to get back.  Having my best friend with me all the time. Someone to pick me up so it wouldn’t take an hour to get back home. Someone to go on random adventures with like when we found that awesome pizza place by accident. Someone who gets me, who laughs at my joke, and understands where I’m coming from. Someone to say good night to and know that they’ll still be there when you wake up in the morning.  Someone to hold me when it gets cold, and to give me a hug when I’m worried about something. And really, just having somebody else take care of me and support me in my super hectic life was an incredible feeling. I thought I can do it all, but having you to stand by my side to hold my hand and believe in me really makes a difference. 

Until this past week, whenever we would see each other, it was always a vacation so I never understood what it was like to have my normal life and YOU in it. And honestly, I miss it. I think I might have gotten used to you being here. I wish you could have just stayed…but maybe one day. 

see you soon, my love (hopefully)